Epiphany
by Molly Raesly
Summary: Lily brought her hand up to her mouth. “Oh, Merlin,” she breathed, collapsing to the ground against a wall and subconsciously sticking her head between her knees. “I like James Potter.” It hit her like an epiphany.


_Disclaimer: I am not J.K. Rowling. Yes, it is very sad, isn't it?___

_For Eric, more affectionately known as Fly a Kite. I am so very sorry._

Epiphany

"Stupid bangs," Lily muttered as she fluffed the uncooperative, red hair covering her forehead once more. On a capricious whim two weeks ago, she had decided to cut her easy-to-manage, even-length hair into a more stylized hairstyle. Although she liked how her angles and layers seemed to give her previously limp hair more volume, the bangs had not been agreeing with her. "Forget this," Lily said to herself under her breath. She reached for her wand.

Lily straightened her bangs so that they rested over her right eye, appearing to do so effortlessly. Satisfied with this new, more efficient way to style her hair, Lily began to work on the rest of her head. Ten minutes later, Lily had curled her hair into individual loose ringlets and fixed it into a ponytail. She gazed at herself in the mirror as she meticulously pulled strands out of their holder, framing her face with small curls.

Pleased with herself, Lily walked over to her oak trunk and rummaged through her shoe collection, which consisted mostly of tennis shoes and flats. She finally found the unopened box she was looking for in the utter bottom of it. Lily examined the box wearily for a few moments. Finally, she sighed and opened the lid. Inside rested two leather boots with three-inch, spindly heels, never-worn. Lily removed the paper and plastic packaging from both shoes before gingerly rolling up her jeans and zipping them onto her feet. She then rolled down her jeans so that they were resting smoothly on top of the boots.

Lily had to grab onto her trunk for support as she attempted to stand up. She winced at the discomfort in her feet as she finally stabilized herself, letting her stronghold on the trunk's edge go. "I'm definitely going to regret this tomorrow," Lily said to herself, already imagining all of the blisters that had yet to form.

Lily walked around the Fifth Year girls' dorm and tried to get used to the feeling; it was like walking on air, only air would have been sturdier. She shrugged, figuring this must be what it felt like with any pair of heels.

She carefully maneuvered her way to a desk, only pausing to hold onto someone's bedpost about halfway through. Lily applied a lip gloss, a light pink color, to her lips and then examined her appearance. Her eyes stood out more from the coats of mascara she had used to turn her red eyelashes black. She had also added a small bit of eyeliner, which gave her emerald eyes that much more of a distinction. The boots made her look taller and her legs look leaner in her dark, tight jeans. Lily's hands fretted to smooth her black, lacy tank top over her waistband. Her fingers fluttered to the tiny row of buttons down the center of her shirt. She decided to undo two more of them but then after a minute, hastily redid them. Still contemplating herself in the mirror, Lily compromised with herself and undid one button.

She strode over to her bed, beginning to feel less wobbly in the boots. Lily scanned her bed for the small bottle of perfume and then sprayed about a fifth of its contents onto herself. She sprayed the flowery scent in her hair, around her neck, along her body, and even behind her ears. She walked towards the exit of the dorm, pausing to glance at herself in the mirroronen last time before descending down the staircase.

The trip down was harder than Lily had expected it to be. The change in levels made it very difficult for her to keep her balance. Lily had to look down at the stairs and practically cling on to the railing as she stumbled down the steps. She took a quick look around the Gryffindor Common Room when she had completed her mission. Thankfully, it was deserted. All of the students had already headed down to the Great Hall for the Halloween party, just like her dorm mates had.

It had been quite a surprise to Lily that the usual Halloween feast had been replaced with a party, instead. Then again, the new Heads, Frank Longbottom and Alice Prewett, were filled with ideas to better amuse the students. At prefect meetings, they were even debating whether they should have a ball at the end of the year.

Lily was not sure why she had put so much effort into looking nice for the party. Although robes were not required, Lily usually did not put this amount of work into her appearance. She tried to rationalize with herself that it was just the party and the holiday. However, Lily could not shake the suspicion that she had done this for someone. Perhaps to notice her? That did not seem likely. Still, there had to be some fathomable reason for this desire to look appealing. Yet, Lily could not even completely comprehend her intentions herself.

She was nearly at the Great Hall now. She rounded the corner and halted outside the entrance doors. Quickly glancing down to make sure she hadn't forgot anything important like a top or pants, Lily took a deep breath and prepared herself to enter. Slowly, she reached for the door and pulled.

To her surprise, nobody noticed her belated entrance. Not even one pair of eyes shifted to her as the doors creaked open. Everyone was too preoccupied with the food, music, and company to pay any heed to her. Lily shrugged it off, pretending it did not bother her. She glanced around the vast room. Everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves.

Lily roamed the room. Many people greeted her, and she returned their sentiments with a smile. Lily was friendly with pretty much everyone at Hogwarts. The older students respected her because she was not immature or foolhardy, and the younger students liked her, as well. Lily was always willing to offer study help to anyone who asked her. Yet, she did not have her own group of friends. She didn't have a niche, she supposed. Although Lily was secretly very good friends with Severus Snape (he didn't want any of his fellow Slytherins to know that he had befriended a Gryffindor muggleborn), she did not really have a best friend.

Lily spotted the Marauders and watched them, almost wistfully. They always seemed to be having so much fun together. They were constantly laughing, joking, or smiling. It seemed almost ridiculous to believe that there could ever be anything wrong with one of them. Lily moved closer to them, pretending to be examining one of Hagrid's giant pumpkins, so that she could eavesdrop on their conversation.

"That's fantastic, Moony," Sirius congratulated Remus, patting him heartily on the back. "And to think, from the most conservative Marauder, too!"

"He's right," Peter agreed. "I don't think we've ever come up with a prank as foolproof as that."

"You are truly the best of all of us," James added in mock solemnity.

Remus cut into the conversation to reply back, but Lily did not hear him. She was too busy watching James. He was always showing off, trying to be the center of attention. His Quidditch abilities had gone straight to his head, as did untidiness and fingers ready to rumple. Lily and James had engaged in several spats over the past five years. He always liked trying to irk her, to get under her skin. Lily should have known that it was partially her own fault for letting him, but she just could not help losing her practiced prudency when around James Potter. Something about him unruffled her.

Finally realizing she had been staring at James Potter's hair for nearly five minutes, Lily started to walk away. She approached the Marauders, intentionally not making eye contact with any of the four boys. Lily heard the unmistakable voice of James Potter call out from behind her, "Why, don't you look nice today."

Lily spun around on her heel, wobbling slightly at the sudden movement. She expected to see James's impish grin, but he was addressing another girl. A dark-haired, slender girl Lily had never talked to before. Lily's face immediately flushed, embarrassed to think that he had been speaking to her. Of course he hadn't, Lily scolded herself internally.

Though she wanted to leave, Lily stayed rooted to the spot as she watched the transactions between James and the girl. Lily clenched her fists so hard that she thought she might have drawn blood with her fingernails. Eventually, the girl left, winking at James as she did so. The tension in Lily's body slowly eased away, but she could not fight off the raging feeling in the pit of her stomach.

"Hi, Lily!" she heard a voice call out to her.

Lily turned, more slowly this time, to see Remus welcoming her.

"Hi, Remus," Lily replied, politely smiling at him.

"All right there, Evans?" James Potter questioned her, finally noticing her existence.

"Hi to you, too, James," Lily replied, her words coming out with an unintended sarcastic edge.

"That's really no way to speak to a person who is trying to be courteous to you," James admonished her.

Lily, as was her usual around James Potter, lost her tact. "That's assuming you are actually addressing a person," she retorted quickly, without thinking.

"Ouch, Evans," James replied, placing a hand over his heart. "That hurts."

"Good," Lily said coldly.

"Aww, come on, Evans. Surely you know how to have fun."

"I have fun," Lily argued. "Big fun. I'm here tonight, aren't I?"

"Yes, you are," he answered, making a show of eying her new appearance, his gaze spending too much time on her boots before they flickered back up to her face. "Why so dressed up Evans? Trying to get Slughorn's attention in another way besides Potions?"

"No!" Lily stammered too quickly.

"Oh, it seems I've hit a nerve," James responded happily, glee showing behind his glasses. He seemed to still be aware of their audience consisting of the rest of the Marauders and some student glances, to which Lily was oblivious. To her, it was just her and Potter. "So this about a guy," he continued amusedly. "Does Evans have a little crush on someone?"

"I do not," Lily insisted adamantly.

"I think you do," James replied, reveling in Lily's anger. "I wonder who the lucky bloke is. Remind me to warn him about redheads," he muttered in an undertone.

"James Potter you are impossible!" Lily shrieked at the smirking boy.

"Why, thank you," he replied as though he had just received the most amazing compliment. "I think so, too."

Lily fumed, positively shaking with rage, before turning around and storming away, as fast as her clanking shoes would carry her.

"Lovely chatting with you!" Lily heard James yell out to her.

Unfeasibly, this infuriated Lily to an even higher degree. She stomped out of the Great Hall and into an empty corridor. Lily paced back and forth, pulling at her hair.

After a few minutes, Severus Snape came out to join her. "Lily, are you okay? I saw you leave in a hurry. You looked kind of mad," he asked with concern.

"Ugh, Sev! He just makes me so bloody mad!" Lily seethed.

"Who?" Severus asked, confused.

"James Potter!" Lily shrieked.

"Oh, _him_," Severus muttered, softer than before. Lily was too distracted to notice the bitterness in his voice.

"Yes_, him_," Lily continued shrilly, never ceasing her pacing across the corridor. "I can't bloody believe him. Who does he think he i? He goes around acting like he bloody owns the place, pretending like he just knows everything. That he understands everyone. It's so ruddy annoying."

"Yes, it is," Severus replied passively as he watched her move back and forth from his own stationary position.

"Like before when he said I have a crush on someone. How does he even go around saying things like that? I am dressed like this because I just felt like a change. I'm not risking mass ankle destruction in these bloody shoes to impress a boy!"

"Of course you're not."

"And if I was, it would be none of Potter's business. He knows nothing about me. He's too involved with himself and that cocky grin of his and all his ridiculous strutting around the castle like we should all bow down to grovel at his feet. And his hair! That stupid hair of his that he's always messing up with his fingers. We get it already, Potter. You play Quidditch. We don't need any more reminders!"

"No, we don't."

"He just makes me so mad. Something about him incenses me more than anything else. He makes my very blood boil. I don't understand it at all. How can he have such an effect on me? What's so special about Potter that he can send me into such a bloody rage?" Lily asked, more as a rhetorical list of questions than anything else.

Severus stayed still for a moment, but then walked over towards the constantly moving Lily. He put his hands onto her shoulders to stop her fidgeting movements. He sighed deeply and looked her straight in the eyes. "It's because you like him, Lily."

Lily's body turned to stone, all traces of movement gone, as though she was paralyzed. "No," she croaked finally, her voice coming out unsteady. "No," she repeated over and over again, shaking her head.

Severus's weary voice stopped her stammering. "You do, Lily. I think you have for awhile now. You were right. He gets under your skin in a way that nobody else can," he paused to smile slightly to himself. It wasn't his usual smile. It seemed more pained in a way. "You even enjoy fighting with him. I've watched you. Your lips curl into this smile as you think of comebacks to hurl at him, faster than any jinx. You like him."

Lily brought her hand up to her mouth. "Oh, Merlin," she breathed, collapsing to the ground against a wall and subconsciously sticking her head between her knees. "I like James Potter." It hit her like an epiphany. Lily could sense that she had known all along in the back of her mind. Severus's explanation had made perfect sense. She liked James Potter. Hadn't she always received a secret thrill when bickering with Potter? Didn't some part of her long to come across him just so she could do it again? Wasn't that jealousy she had felt, stronger than ever before, as he talked to that nameless girl from before? Hadn't she spent nearly two hours getting ready before the party so he would notice her?

Lily's head began to hurt with all of the unexplained loose ends coming together in her mind. It was too much information. Suddenly, all her motives, her instincts, made perfect, undeniable, and unwanted sense. Lily took a deep breath, letting it all get absorbed. She stood up, almost wanting to laugh as she staggered in her heels.

She walked towards Severus slowly, looking him in the eyes as he had just previously done to her.

"You can never tell him," Lily told him in a fierce, demanding whisper.

"Never," Severus agreed, just as quietly.

Lily turned on her heel and walked back into the Great Hall, determined to never let anyone discover that she had feelings for James Potter. Especially not James.


End file.
